Dear Dell Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slow-down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications
that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9,
but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes

the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperately Seeking Solution

>>>>>>>>>>>>

REPLY

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Dear Desperately:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment
package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command
C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

But remember overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such
background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please
remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not

supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband

1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been
known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such
applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby ... Lingerie 6.9 (which
have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck,
Dell Tech Support

Could you please help Santa find his elf before Christmas???

  "Mom's Dictionary"

ALIEN: What Mum would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

BABY: (1) Dad, when he gets a cold. (2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

"BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the furthest,
with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a different family
member each week, then winds up doing herself.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and
sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or
husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mum.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum
spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically
make Mum look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once
it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables
or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth
of lessons and constant harping by Mum,
kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the checkbook and keys she can never find
because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal,
toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football,wallpaper samples,
a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air- conditioner for the kitchen.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble
through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that,
when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions:
Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the off-chance
one of her kids will accidentally grab itp while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times
Mum must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of
which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each morning
as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers,
loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

XOXOXOXO: Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing
note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell kid's
outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute
are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mum would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.